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Most everyone knows about the classic Disney movies like Beauty and the Beast or Bambi but I am willing to bet not many of you have heard of the 1967 “classic”, The Gnome Mobile.
The movie follows a grandfather and his two grandchildren on an adventure to help to a forest gnome find another gnome to sleep with (no I am not joking). The grandfather ( a millionaire owner of a logging company) takes his grandchildren (Matthew Garber and Karen Dotrice, best known as the children from Mary Poppins) for a picnic in one of his many forests. When the little girl wanders off, she is confronted by a young gnome who “has a serious problem.” We soon find out the problem is that the gnome’s grandfather is becoming invisible because he has lost the will to live. You are probably assuming that the suicidal thoughts of the older gnome are being caused by the deforestation of the children’s grandfather’s company and therefore the viewer would learn a valuable lesson on environmental responsibility. You would be as wrong as I was then. In fact the older gnome no longer wants to be his good ol’ annoying self because he and the younger gnome are the last remaining gnomes alive and there are no female gnomes around for sweet, sweet baby makin’ (my words not the ones in the script).
In an almost immediate change of heart from a money-hungry CEO to caring environmentalist (Al Gore eat your heart out), the children’s grandfather promises to help the gnomes get to a “virgin forest” where there may be more gnomes. The next hour or so is a collection of badly filmed and even more badly acted scenes of chaos that eventually lead to the discovery of a Klan of gnomes. In a rather disturbing twist, there are 15 or so, extremely horny female gnomes ready to do the horizontal tango. In a cultural ceremony right out of the play book of every frat house in America, gnomes are engaged to be married based on which girl can catch and hold onto their future mate for seven seconds. The twist… the male gnome is “greased up like a pig” before the chase can begin.
Of course the movie ends on a positive note and the whole collection of gnomes hop into the grandfather’s Rolls Royce and are driven to a new forest that the grandfather promises to never touch or cut down – for eternity or maybe longer. The movie is not only old but also was created with “children in mind.” As such, I cannot insult the movie too much for the talking animals, goofy sound effects, sped up car chase scenes, and horrible acting. I can, however, question the overall thought process behind making a movie for children that involved a 10 minute scene where over-sexed, scantily clad woman mud wrestled for the rights to sleep with a young man. A large portion of this movie was borderline unwatchable for any one with a brain or a sense of purpose in life. Take those issues and wrap them into a movie that was clearly made to cash in on the success of Mary Poppins (nearly half the cast was in both movies) and you get a movie that should remain unheard of.
Other ridiculously psychedelic movies that I question are really for for kids include:
Rating: 
